Men's rules

A friend and i were talking, and i was called out on quoting from the men's rules. True enough. I did some digging and found a copy complete with my responses.

• Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
• YAY! I’m all about personal responsibility. Now, when the cat knocks your razor into the drink, don’t complain. And no, I will not be fishing it out.
  
• Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present . . . . again
• How about presence instead of presents? Give it a try.
• Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
• Cool. Sometimes I’m not thinking about you. Sometimes, I’m even thinking of another man, even in intimate situations. Live with it.
• Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
• Great. Which team are we rooting for? If you want it to be a guy thing, that’s cool too. Just don’t expect me to be thrilled when you invite them all over, especially if that means I come home to trails of popcorn, beer cans, and sweat sock stains on the coffee table. It’s not a locker room, it’s a living room. Grow up or go to the sports bar down the street where people are paid to clean up your mess.
• Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
• Really? How cool is that. You could let us know before you pop the question, of course. That would fall under “general communication” in the relationship pages.
• Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
• Nice. Take me to a nice restaurant and a play on our anniversary. Tell me I’m more beautiful than the day we got married. Tell me you have known many women, but only one worth knowing. And don’t game while there are dirty dishes in the sink.
• We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
• Cool, me either. But that’s what calendars are for. Introduce yourself to the concept.
• Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
• Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
• Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
• Neat! We’re glad you get it. Dispel your road rage and your work-related ulcer before you walk in the door. Mention being stressed out only if you want to talk about it. It’s what we do. Don’t expect to have grudge sex when you walk in the door just because some creep cut you off in traffic or you got passed over for a promotion. It’s not our way. Deal.
• A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
• Amen!! And please do not try to lay siege to my clitoris. There are other things that need to go on. Like talking, or letting go of my day, before I can embrace you, let alone let you down on the girl. And please, please please, do not do The Same Old Thing.
• Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
• I’m sorry. Did you say something?
• If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
• What? Having affairs pop out of the woodwork every third season? No thanks. But if I dress like a Victoria’s Secret girl, don’t tell me the game is on and you’ll be back later.
• If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've been tricked before!!
• There is only one answer to the question “Is my butt big?” The answer is no, and you should be able to deliver it believably in the middle of sound sleep, even while dreaming of angelia jolie. Yes, I know her butt is smaller than mine, even when she is pregnant and I am not. The point is that I’m not in my right mind, or I never would have asked the question.
• If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
• YES! Us too.
• Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
• YES! Us too.
• You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
• Fair. How about never having to hear that you could make X when I want to buy it unless it comes with a delivery date and a cost estimate?
• Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
• What was that? I was reading.
• Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
• Unh, huh. And when you can’t find my clitoris, I’m supposed to let you fumble for half an hour, get sore from the looking, try to say gently once again no, honey, that’s still not it, and then hear that I am frigid since I didn’t get off in the right way to make you want to continue having sex. Please reconsider this attitude. Or not. It’s your sex life.
• The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
• Pffft. My girlfriends and I, like girls the world over, talk about the real things: sex and money, and in great detail. Get used to it.
• ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
• Good. I will no longer have to paint my nails, as they come in colors only seen by dogs.
• If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
• If it bleeds, it bleeds. We’re okay with that. Don’t ask us to be otherwise.
• We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
• Policy suggestion: I won’t ask you to read my mind and in return I won’t read yours. Frankly, it’s not fit for a public library in there, anyway.
• If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
• Ditto. SO quit grousing because you had a shitty day at work. I didn’t do it to you.
• If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
• Agreed.
• Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
• Don’t ask me what I’m doing unless you are prepared to hear about stock plan optimization, home repair, schooling issues, or how cool it would be if you sucked on my nipples more often. That’s where our heads are. All the time.
• Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what they're saying anyway.)
• Fine. But foreign films are sexier. You might get lucky if you put up with one a couple times a year.
• BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
• Please. Handbags are not exciting except that they allow us better organization of all the paperwork detritus that you can’t be bothered with. We are starting a movement to go to wallets and nothing more. Beer is still not exciting unless you are brewing it yourself.
• Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.
• Only with fewer bugs. Don’t disturb the dog.