music purge

jax recently wrote about a musical moment in which he purged his soul. most people might find that weird, but instead, i find myself listening to music that does the same thing. li'l nibs keeps walking around my ankles as i type and listen to music (her name is being Officially Changed to Ante [with a silent 't' because she is the kitty]. so, with all due apologies, i tell you that that at that particular time i was a little bit lost. i have been looking for too long for a man who will love me with as little in return as i demand. there are of course my own delusions and sins, certain monstrosities to get beyond, but there are things i want as well. and frankly, there are my fears. but ultimately, there is a short list of what i'm looking for in my own life, in my own spirituality, in my own world:

I want a goddess who stinks.
I’m tired of these tired goddesses
Their shoulders white and sandals neatly tied
Their back quivers and bows
Their lack of men and their pristinely polished shields.
I want a goddess who ruts in the mud,
Back quivering
Who bows to no one but bends
Close to the earth
Who buries her face deep in the dirt and the scent of life
Who gathers life and living close to her nose, nuzzling
Who gathers life up gently and pulls it into her bosom
Who licks it and knows it in the dark.
I want a goddess who holds on
With hair and teeth and claw
With dirt under her nails and hair under her arms
I want a goddess who plays and romps
With twigs in her hair, mud on her toes
Cum on her thigh
Her scent thick about her
Her breasts keeping time to her dance through the woods
The flesh of her butt nestled in a crevice
In a cave as she lights a candle and talks to the albino spiders there
Whispering their woven secrets.
I want a goddess with food in her mouth
Light in her soul
Fire in her belly
Blood on the ground as she cradles the
Life she creates.
Be gone with these sterile, civilized he-women
Supports of your nicely approachable reality
Systemized and sanitized
Beyond recognition
Relegated to the wall
Flowers in your halls of
Destruction, despair and propriety.
I want a goddess who stinks.

and there are things i demand of men as well:

I want a man I want

I want a man who is quiet
Who leads by example
Who believes in respect
And respects belief.
I want a man I want to listen to
Not one I have to.
I want a man who is clean
Whose touch cleanses my soul
Whose kiss is redemption.
I want to believe
in myself more because he believes
all the things that I am
and doesn’t care about the places to which I have
fallen and will fall again.
I want a man to whom I can be
released by surrendering,
In whose waters I can dive deep and come
Up for air with full lungs and a whole heart.
I want a man who can
Support without pedestals
Hold his own in a room
Give without smothering
Accept without embarrassment
Argue without anger
Protect without diminishing
Assist without condescending
Fight for me without forgetting I am
Real and passionate and whole

I want a man who sees me
Whole, disregarding the pieces
The shattered tatters of my soul
Litter on the path behind me
Shivered dust of all the mirrors I have been.
I want a man who romps and stomps and drinks and frolics and explores
with me sometimes as good, sometimes better, sometimes needing his hand
who still cherishes me
Before
During
After.

I want a man to whom I can give
Without giving away
Touch without being consumed
Trust in the darkness
With the sounds encroaching
Have at my back
Build explore create nurture
Hope.

And a decent game of chess would be nice, too.
She is greedy like that.

butmaybe i'm just demanding like that, wanting a surrendering more than a partnership. perhaps this is why i always end up with assholes i get used to.